There are so many things that I want, and I wonder – is my soul thirsting for God? Do I long as the deer longs? For someone like me who tends to be too hard on herself, it’s easy to read this weekend’s psalm as censure or challenge rather than as offered worship.
I can’t be the only one of us tempted to read devotional texts as evidence I’m not doing it right. So I read more, search more, hoping that an honest look at both God and myself will show me if there’s a large gap between what I want and what I ought to want.There is neither Jew nor Greek,
there is neither slave nor free person,
there is not male and female;
for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Is desiring this the same as desiring God? I would love to no longer be judged by the world’s standards of what a oman should be, and simply be assessed on whether I’ve clothed myself in Christ, under his mantle of unity and giving.Whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.
Am I longing to lose my life? Not exactly. I still clutch, and denounce things that don’t go my way. I still stomp my feet and whine to God, who does not always answer prayers how I’d like. But I’m learning that I am most alive when I let go of my needs and pride. I am my best when I lose myself.
Even if I cannot yet thirst for the cross, I know enough to thirst for that longing. I thirst for the grace of legging go, of emptying myself so something bigger can fill that void.
Gary McCarthy says
Thank you for this beautiful and honest reflection. I’m a slow learner so it took me a while to realize that the longing for God itself is one of His greatest gifts. I suppose I have a heart that is “tuned” to worship, and thus the longing is fulfilled during the Divine Liturgy, but also in all those little moments when He gives me the grace to lift up my heart in wonder (another form of worship!) for His many blessings.