The nocturnal critters of discouragement and self-doubt came creeping out of the corners last night, not long after a loud noise startled me awake and nearly lifted me and my racing heart off the mattress. As soon as I was roused I knew that I wouldn’t be falling back to sleep any time soon, but my mind kept churning through all of the daily frustrations and insecurities that we supposedly process in our dreams.
I haven’t met my duties at work. I haven’t learned enough music lately. People gossip about me. My pants don’t fit. I’m not writing enough. My skin is gross. I’m unhealthy and ugly, body and soul.
It was a long hour with my silly sleep mask on, tossing and turning and trying to escape back into slumber.
Just after dawn slid out of bed and into my sneakers. My heart still held the residue of my bout with the demons in the wee small hours, but the shining sun made the darkness of those hours feel as foreign as the other side of the world. I ran into that blinding sun and back.
Whatever haunts you in the middle of the night, whatever creeps up on you when you are startled awake, whatever lies you believe about yourself when your confidence goes missing and your insecurities take over, know that they are not the truth. You were made good – even perfect – just as you are.
This reminds me of something that occasionally is in Magnificat, some reference from the Church Fathers, I think, about night devils being these insecurities that trouble us as we try to sleep. This is what the Psalms mean when they say, “Arise, O Lord, and let my enemies be scattered…” (That may not be the exact quote, but I think it’s the general idea).
Oh I love that idea! Thank you for sharing it.