Margaret Felice

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The curious incident of the chives in the night time

September 25, 2012 · Filed Under: apartment, burglary, food ·

I walked out my back door this morning to a shocking sight.

There were two plants here yesterday.

Shocking I say! My basil and chive plants, in cute matching pots, who go by the names of Bert and Ernie, have disappeared from my pathetic attempt at an urban garden. Big sister Bertha appears to be undisturbed.

I have a few hypotheses.

1. There is a plant version of DCF that comes to take herbs from bad parents.

I haven’t always been perfect, but I have managed to keep these two alive for TWO WHOLE MONTHS! Their sister cilantro turned brown in a week, but I swear she was dead when the guy sold her to me. I have pruned and watered and done all the right things, so if the plant police are filing charges, I plan to appeal.

2. Someone saw the forecast and brought them in.

It got down to the thirties in the suburbs last night, but we are right on the water, so we won’t worry about frost for at least another few weeks. Another reason this is not a likely explanation: I’m not friendly enough with any of my neighbors that they would be taking care of my plants.

3. They were knocked over and broken and the culprit disposed of the evidence.

Halfway up the hill this morning this one came to me. I turned around to check the trash cans. Tonight is trash night, after all, and I couldn’t let any clues go into the back of the garbage truck. There were no shards of cheap flower pots in our communal barrels, nor was there any dirt next to Bertha.

4. A rodent ate them.

Rodents don’t eat ceramic. Or watering globes. So that’s out.

5. I brought them inside.

I have enough self-knowledge for that to be the first explanation that came to mind. Could I have taken them in and forgot? Before I even shut the door behind me I turned around and looked all over the apartment. Nope, no basil, no chives.

6. I’ve been punked/pranked/robbed.

Why would a prankster go behind our apartment building and steal chives? They don’t look like anything you could smoke, and they’re not worth anything. Sure, they were right next to the window a burglar crawled through five years ago (which is now firmly locked), but you’d think a thwarted criminal would just move on to the next target rather than take out his/her frustration by absconding with my garnishes.

If you happen to see a few plants that respond to Bert and Ernie, please comment and let me know where to rescue them. If you see something, say something. You can rest assured if I see something I am saying EVERYTHING.

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7 Comments

Comments

  1. diane rivers says

    September 25, 2012 at 11:13 am

    Loved the twist on Mark Haddon’s book title! While I bemoan your herbal loss, this is a really clever post. (Just for the record, I had trouble with sister Cilantro myself this summer.)

    Is it possible Bert & Ernie stumbled into a smoky jazz bar last night and are still “scatting” in a grimy alley somewhere, seriously hungover? Perhaps they will come home when they sober up?

    I’ll let you know if there are any sightings in the Chicago suburbs.

    Reply
    • felicemifa says

      September 25, 2012 at 10:24 pm

      Thanks! I may have let my clever post be a mask behind which lies sincere grief at the loss of my buddies! Thanks for keeping an eye out.

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Felice mi fa says:
    September 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    […] My plants still have not turned up. […]

    Reply
  2. It’s not that I can’t cook | Felice mi fa says:
    December 10, 2012 at 10:44 am

    […] be like this. when life is more stable I’ll settle into a bigger kitchen and I’ll put my chives somewhere they can’t be stolen and I’ll take the time to make food that satisfies both my appetite and my pride. I’ll […]

    Reply
  3. 7 Quick Takes, volume 23 | Felice mi fa says:
    December 28, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    […] Barbara Kingsolver is a beautiful writer, and in this book tackles one of my newest pet issues, the food industry. The scope of the book is much larger than that, and I wish I had it in me to eat seasonally the way her family did. It also makes me want to become a farmer or at least a gardener, and makes me weep for my lost plants. […]

    Reply
  4. My One Word for 2013: Fuel | Felice mi fa says:
    January 3, 2013 at 10:03 am

    […] and the million crazy diets that people propose for healing digestion. I joined a farmshare. I grew my own herbs and then lost them. Like most people who have a health issue, I started to think about my fuel, and how that affects […]

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  5. Seven things I’m working on this summer | Felice mi fa says:
    May 17, 2013 at 5:27 am

    […] losing last year’s attempt at urban gardening, I have high hopes to get it right this year. I’m hoping to put together a window box of […]

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