My father grows the best tomatoes. Every year, during what New Englanders can still quaintly call “harvest time”, that time when we race the calendar to make the most of what we have tended to all summer, the porch at my parents’ house fills with tomatoes of all shades, and any visit is the occasion for a goody bag of the juicy and misshapen fruit of the earth.
For a few days after receiving my bit of the harvest I fill up on sauces, soups, roasted tomatoes and caprese salads. Each fall I mourn the last tomato of the season, usually stuffed into an indulgent and filling sandwich.
Tomatoes are consolation as the days turn shorter and my thoughts turn to “grieving over Goldengrove unleaving”. At times I think perhaps the melancholy won’t come on this year: my life is stable, full of good people and good things. I have a wonderful husband who makes me laugh during arguments and who likes spending time with my father, but even his presence can’t quite keep me from that seasonal sadness.
Companionship staves off gloom on the earliest weekends of autumn, but when the first frost descends and the days are noticeably shorter I succumb. As the skin of the last tomato gives way under my knife’s blade, my stomach turns over and an invisible cloud settles over my head and slumping shoulders. The tomatoes will soon be gone.
How many years do I have of trudging up the slate steps to the enclosed porch to see bounty spread across the picnic table? Of watching my father’s hands, shaped like mine, pick up each red orb and examine it before placing it in a plastic bag for me? What time have I wasted not being with the people I love? What will change between now and next year’s harvest?
This is the price I pay for being sensitive, for loving people, for looking out the window and being realistic about what I see. This sensitivity has dotted the timeline of my life. It is part of who I am, an indispensable trait as ingrained as my ambition and devotion.
Equally ingrained is my messiness, which makes the tomatoes slide all over my sandwich as I remove it from the oven and place the two sides together. I navigate each bite alone at the kitchen table, doing my best to keep the fixins between the slices.
When things fall apart – and I knew they would, for how could they not, things being as they are, my sandwich so full and each tomato slice so slitheringly perfect – I let the juice run onto my hands as I savor this beautiful, transient mess.
I originally posted this in 2014, and it remains one of my favorite bits of writing. This October I revised it and added a photo of some fresh tomatoes to republish it.