I should have known that the week after the time change would be tough. Ever since we sprang ahead I have had gut pain, and anxiety, and to top it all off a silly little cold that won’t quit. Two days into the week I’m already at Friday-level exhaustion, and this morning I was crying at work before I even had my coat off.
Why do we write about such things? There are other blogs that I read where people are coping with sadness or disappointment. These writers honestly share what is going on in their lives even when it’s not pretty (although the ones I like most know where to draw the line. Some information is too much).
This afternoon I ran a prayer service, and rather than being consoled by it I felt pretty teary through most of it. For no real reason other than my general gloom, I felt like nothing I do matters, that I am wasting my time and my energy and ruining my health on something that nobody appreciates or cares about. And for once it wasn’t about “them”, it was about me.
And I wanted to write about it. When I was younger if I wrote about sad things it was for the attention they would get me, so everyone would know that I am tortured and oh so deep. Now it’s a different reason. I want to take my anxiety and make it into something beautiful. In my worry and darkness, that can feel like the only hope of light. If I can create something out of my sadness that I can present, that I can share, that I can even be proud of, it will have served some purpose other than making me cry in front of people.
Appreciate the thoughts as usual, Meg. I almost cried at my desk today, so it must be in the air or something. For what it’s worth, from one Jr. High teacher to another, what we do counts for a lot. My prayer services are in the morning though, and I think I put a lot of people to sleep. Prayers for your health and for fighting the good fight.
Rob
I totally blame changing the clocks for the epidemic of crying among teachers this week!
A while back you wrote something that truly helped me through a sad time. You also posted a quote by Anthony de Mello’s “Behold God beholding you…and smiling.” Every time I turn on my computer now I see that quote and I have hope for each day. Often times in our sadness we feel alone, but in reality we are never alone. We may not always feel consoled while praying, but eventually it comes to us, as did your post for me. Whether sad, happy or even-keeled, God hears us and gives us what we need. What you do does count and I will keep you in my prayers.
Holly
Thanks so much for your comment and prayers, Holly. Isn’t that de Mello quote wonderful? It expresses such an important truth in so few words.
I don’t know what exactly are you going through but I can relate to every word you wrote up there. I sometimes feel that even though my sadness is getting me nowhere, may be it will help someone who feels the same way through writing. To make them feel that they’re not alone you know. And you’re not alone here.
thanks – it does make such a difference to know we’re not alone.