Margaret Felice

  • Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Media
  • Calendar
    • Upcoming Performances
    • Upcoming Speaking Events
  • Speaking
  • Publications
  • Performance
    • Biography
    • Repertoire
  • Contact
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
  • Facebook
  • YouTube

Just before dawn

August 11, 2016 · Filed Under: Words · Tagged With: Boston, marriage, morning, surgery, writing

When I first met my husband, and we were living hours apart and still figuring out if we were going to give it a shot, I woke many mornings around 4:00 am and lay in bed and agonize. (“I’d lie awake and think about the boy, and never even think of counting sheep” to quote the song.) When I couldn’t take it anymore, and if the weather was warm enough, I would roll out of bed and into my sneakers and pound the anxiety away on the city sidewalks, running into the sunrise.

When I was sickest and Crohn’s symptoms were at their worst, my sleep was often dozey all night long. Pain woke me and exhaustion knocked me out: my very own sleep cycle. If I woke before dawn, I tossed as I always did, trying to find a posture that would give me some respite. Sometimes I would think about how I was going to get myself out of the apartment that day, but I often didn’t waste much energy considering that question, knowing that I would get where I needed to be, because I had to.

When I was ostensibly on the other side of these things, when we were married and living in the same place (a feat we weren’t sure we would accomplish so soon after our wedding), when we had bought a condo, I’d had surgery to take me apart and put me back together and was on the road to physical healing, the pre-dawn hours were when the crazy came in. I fretted and beat myself up.  Eventually those morning torture sessions clued me in to my post-traumatic stress, and I got help.

This morning I woke earlier than I expected, a combination of heat in the apartment and having gone to bed early last night. I started rolling around different ideas in my head of projects, chores and things I want to accomplish. I started to harangue myself for the content of those imaginings (because what would the early morning be if not for self-doubt!), thinking that if I focused on one thing I would never have time for the others, and my life would slip away from me (because what would the early morning be if not for melodrama!)

So I rose and tiptoed to the kitchen to put on coffee, and I got to work.

Who knows what the rest of my life will hold, and how the early mornings will change. Today the sun rises on another day of hope and potential, and there is so much to be done, and so much that already has been.

FullSizeRender

What goes through your head just before dawn?

Share this:

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Email
  • More
  • Print
  • LinkedIn
  • Pocket
  • Tumblr
  • Pinterest
  • Reddit

Related

Leave a Comment

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

More about Margaret

Subscribe to Blog

Sign up to get my posts delivered to your inbox.
How often would you like to receive updates?

Recent Posts

  • What I read, 2022
  • Finding Lady’s Wells
  • A place for grief to go
  • Post-op
  • Eating a tomato sandwich in October

Topics I’ve Written About:

Follow me on Twitter

My Tweets
  • Home
  • About
  • Biography
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Home
  • Media
  • Performance
  • Publications
  • Repertoire
  • Speaking

Search

© 2023 Margaret Felice · Headshots by Earl Christie · Website by Little Leaf Design