Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare. – Audre Lorde
I read that quote recently and it resonated for two reasons.
First, I have been rigid about self-care as I try to repair my health these past months. As I taper off of prednisone I need eight hours of sleep to stay sane during the day. So I turn off my devices, take my time washing up and cover myself in soft-smelling lotions, I burn candles and tuck myself in on my new mattress. This is not a luxury. This is what gets me through the day.
Second, I have always been made uncomfortable with the way we lionize people who wear themselves out for other people. I often hear this from teenagers: “My mom is a hero because she sacrifices everything for us.” We also hear it about teachers: the “best” are the ones who sacrifice the most, who work the latest, who bring the greatest amount of papers home with them.
While I suppose this is noble in its way, when we make it the only model for how to be a woman or teacher or mom we encourage people – mostly women – to avoid self-care and to feel crummy. There is a middle ground in which we care for others and care for ourselves, but in order to find it we might need to ignore the voices that tell us to wear ourselves out
I still have big dreams of changing the world, or doing great things, of leaving my mark. I also have dreams of enjoying life with my family and friends. I need to care for myself in order to do this. I will not be bullied into bullying myself, I will not spend my energy on anything less than the most worthy causes. I will make sure I do whatever I need to in order to be there for the people whom I love.
My loved ones want the best for me and they want the best of me. I can give them my best when I have taken care of myself.
How do you care for yourself? Do you see this as a radical act?
Amen, sister (says the mom whose toddler is enjoying some [more] screen time so I can tend to the baby without being driven crazy by one or both of them!). Self-care isn’t a luxury. It makes us better people.
Margaret Felice
Thanks for your comment. I get nervous when I post on this topic because as not-a-Mom, I feel like there is a whole lifestyle that I don’t understand and can’t speak to. But I guess I’m not as far off as I thought.
“I still have big dreams of changing the world, or doing great things, of leaving my mark. I also have dreams of enjoying life with my family and friends.”
Seems to me that you’re well on your way!
Margaret Felice
Thank you, Brian!
Kevin Nolan
The second great commandment is: “Love your neighbour as you love yourself” How do we love ourselves? How do we love our neighbour ? Are these pursuits or actions equal / balanced in our lives? Jesus did not say “If you have some time / resources /energy left over after loving God and your neighbour, then maybe you can do something for yourself”. He did not say “Love your neighbour first and then Love yourself second” He made these endeavours equal (loving ourselves and loving our neighbour) and only in lesser significance to loving God.
I firmly believe that the Christian Church could do a better job of clarifying for Christians how to love ourselves. We get lots of example on how to sacrifice in order to give to others. Do we ever sacrifice in order to give to ourselves. Really ? Christians in general are prone to becoming co-dependent: defining ourselves exclusively by what we do for others. Jesus knows there is a better way; He told us what it is.
Margaret Felice
Amen! Your observations on the great commandment is spot on. Be well!
Carole Mertz
Mary Oliver says it well in her poem “The Journey.” However, in that poem she doesn’t openly state the part our Maker plays in our self-preservation.
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9 thoughts on “Radical self-care”
Amy
Amen, sister (says the mom whose toddler is enjoying some [more] screen time so I can tend to the baby without being driven crazy by one or both of them!). Self-care isn’t a luxury. It makes us better people.
Margaret Felice
Thanks for your comment. I get nervous when I post on this topic because as not-a-Mom, I feel like there is a whole lifestyle that I don’t understand and can’t speak to. But I guess I’m not as far off as I thought.
“I still have big dreams of changing the world, or doing great things, of leaving my mark. I also have dreams of enjoying life with my family and friends.”
Seems to me that you’re well on your way!
Margaret Felice
Thank you, Brian!
Kevin Nolan
The second great commandment is: “Love your neighbour as you love yourself” How do we love ourselves? How do we love our neighbour ? Are these pursuits or actions equal / balanced in our lives? Jesus did not say “If you have some time / resources /energy left over after loving God and your neighbour, then maybe you can do something for yourself”. He did not say “Love your neighbour first and then Love yourself second” He made these endeavours equal (loving ourselves and loving our neighbour) and only in lesser significance to loving God.
I firmly believe that the Christian Church could do a better job of clarifying for Christians how to love ourselves. We get lots of example on how to sacrifice in order to give to others. Do we ever sacrifice in order to give to ourselves. Really ? Christians in general are prone to becoming co-dependent: defining ourselves exclusively by what we do for others. Jesus knows there is a better way; He told us what it is.
Margaret Felice
Amen! Your observations on the great commandment is spot on. Be well!
Carole Mertz
Mary Oliver says it well in her poem “The Journey.” However, in that poem she doesn’t openly state the part our Maker plays in our self-preservation.
Amen, sister (says the mom whose toddler is enjoying some [more] screen time so I can tend to the baby without being driven crazy by one or both of them!). Self-care isn’t a luxury. It makes us better people.
Thanks for your comment. I get nervous when I post on this topic because as not-a-Mom, I feel like there is a whole lifestyle that I don’t understand and can’t speak to. But I guess I’m not as far off as I thought.
You are way wiser than I have ever been, Margaret… I got to this point later in life 🙂
It doesn’t matter when, as long as you get there!
“I still have big dreams of changing the world, or doing great things, of leaving my mark. I also have dreams of enjoying life with my family and friends.”
Seems to me that you’re well on your way!
Thank you, Brian!
The second great commandment is: “Love your neighbour as you love yourself” How do we love ourselves? How do we love our neighbour ? Are these pursuits or actions equal / balanced in our lives? Jesus did not say “If you have some time / resources /energy left over after loving God and your neighbour, then maybe you can do something for yourself”. He did not say “Love your neighbour first and then Love yourself second” He made these endeavours equal (loving ourselves and loving our neighbour) and only in lesser significance to loving God.
I firmly believe that the Christian Church could do a better job of clarifying for Christians how to love ourselves. We get lots of example on how to sacrifice in order to give to others. Do we ever sacrifice in order to give to ourselves. Really ? Christians in general are prone to becoming co-dependent: defining ourselves exclusively by what we do for others. Jesus knows there is a better way; He told us what it is.
Amen! Your observations on the great commandment is spot on. Be well!
Mary Oliver says it well in her poem “The Journey.” However, in that poem she doesn’t openly state the part our Maker plays in our self-preservation.