A full tank

Without exception, December is crazy for me.

I do this to myself on purpose. December is a time when everyone wants music, and I want to be one of the ones to share it with them. I make money, make connections, and advance my craft. It’s a good thing.

But for the last two years once Christmas Day rolled around I was beaten down. I dragged myself through morning services despite Crohn’s symptoms, and was anti-social spending time with my boyfriend’s family because my guts hurt and my immune system was raging against me.

December 26 is always a beautiful day, when the gigs are over and I can finally begin celebrating Christmas. I always have at least a week off from work, and this year I spent those days reading, writing and spending time with the man I love.

At times I was stir crazy, but that is bound to happen on any retreat. That’s what these days are: retreat.  I recharge and create, and I enjoy what I like to call “respite” rather than “break” because the adjectival form of break is “broken”, and that’s not what I’m going for.

Today my respite ends, and I will return to my blessed routine with the peace in my heart that will allow me to respond in love to the frustrations that come day to day. I will immerse myself again into the world of people, one in which I’m challenged to remember hundreds of names, and we all rely on one another.

Sometimes I feel as if I have hardly entered into my adulthood. I still see my life as primarily in front of me. But I feel as if I’ve reached an important milestone, one that makes life easier when I remember its wisdom: I’ve learned what re-charges me, and I’ve learned what I am recharged for.

What fills your tank? And what are you able to do better when your tank is full?