The Dictionary of Happiness

I’m not really a new years resolution kind of girl. I do Lent. Am I allowed to do both?

Still, this year as I emerged from the lunacy of the holidays, I knew there was one thing I needed to do more than anything: reconnect.

I had lost touch with a lot of people during 2011. I was busy, and then not busy, I was in control and then not in control. The earth turned and the days got shorter and the things I was used to weren’t there anymore. things weren’t necessarily bad, just off, and I didn’t know how to turn them on anymore.

Teaching wasn’t on, singing wasn’t on, writing wasn’t on, running wasn’t on. And then the stress of those things either was compounded or manifested as my health fell apart. My skin flaked. M gums swelled. My weight rose. And I was sick, and sick, and sick.

A cloud fell over me that I was too good for. I turned inward, thinking that if I searched enough on my own I could just straighten this all out. The answer would be found once my head hit the pillow, or once I said the right prayers, or once I flipped my way through some dictionary of happiness.

Today I met up with two old friends. On my way out, walking down a silly linoleum hallway, I realized I love and am loved. In the same moment, in the same stupid hallway, I realized that is what matters. Maybe there are people who can find the answers on their own, but I should have known that was never me. All the answers are in my people, in all of you, in my friends and family. So that’s where I’m looking now. Just don’t call it a new years resolution.